Well im am posting this just after i did something i promised to myself and friends that i would never do, my depression got the better of me and i gave in in a moment of weakness and cut myself after being clean for like 9 months. i was doing so well.
Bit it all gets to you, no money, lots of collage pressure with remembering lines and quotes and essay structures and deadlines. not being in the body i want and never wanting to upset anyone which happens, being a constant disappointment to my mother and family and that constant niggling in the back of my head telling me ill never make it.
It all just gets to me, and i was doing so well, but you know what i enjoyed it, it felt like i was doing something right because im fucked up enough to feel like i deserve it.
I feel im ugly, and fat and not passable as a girl and everyone stares and look at me like im a rapist, ore a pedophile, it feels horrible, i hate even going to the shop. I dunno what to do. I have tried the doctor but he wont help me, and i have tried a few, since there not trained to deal with Trans girls they dont try to help they just hope that if i survive long enough to see a trans doctor with the uber long waiting lists in the uk (i been waiting 2 years to get into the treatment and im still waiting). the last advice i got after i showed them i cut all up and down my legs was "get a job" but its pretty hard when no one will employ you because your trans. I dunno what to do with my life, i feel like im failing my course and im on the verge of losing my home on top of the other stuff stated.
Oh well shit happens i guess, i must deserve it for something.
Sorry for venting and that's it over for now, im just so disappointed in myself for becoming the girl i was (and had forgotten) two years ago, a girl i never wanna be.
So expect dark sad art if any coz those are the thoughts that dominate my mind right now.
For people who know me not as well as other i try to act strong and tough so i dont ampere weak, but the truth is out now.
sorry for the Vent, i jut dunno who to talk to.